List for a Decade: Tess

2 years ago

List for a Decade: Tess

THAT’S BASICALLY YOUR WHOLE ADULT LIFE

by Tess Lynch

I should first mention that if I could bend time to fit my needs, I would have pushed American Movie into the 2000’s. Since I am a factual scientist of list-making, I will acknowledge that it was released in 1999 and not include it in my list. I’ll just mention it at the top, here, so you know that I really, really liked it.

cool new diet!

REQUIEM FOR A DREAM (2000)

A hilarious romantic comedy!

PUNCH-DRUNK LOVE (2002)

I love this movie so much I feel kind of ashamed. I can’t justify my feelings for it. Some people feel this way about The Big Lebowski, and I get that too; if there were dork conventions for people who really loved Punch-Drunk Love, I would go, but then I would leave, because instead of White Russians people would be punching glass doors and crying and clipping coupons and playing the harmonium.

his milkshake brings all the $ to the oil

THERE WILL BE BLOOD (2007)

I’ve heard your argument and I don’t care.

GRIZZLY MAN (2005)

I pretended that I had seen this movie for a few years. Then I saw the movie and felt like a jackass, because if there’s a movie worth lying about seeing, you’re almost certain to enjoy it. Note to self: invite Timothy Treadwell to a future Fake Dinner Party.

GET VIOLENT

A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE (2005)

Everybody knows this movie is the jammyjam. Also a potentially really un-fun dork convention.

rememento

MEMENTO (2000)

Remember when you saw this movie and it blew your little mind? Your mind was little because it was the beginning of the decade, but still? It was blown?

b4 u h8d her

LOST IN TRANSLATION (2003)

Blah blah blah loneliness.

CITY OF GOD (2003)

It was between this and Anchorman.

DORSIAAAAA

AMERICAN PSYCHO (2000)

Christian Bale is the rich man’s Joachin Phoenix. If Joachin Phoenix is five cents, Christian Bale is six million dollars. If Joachin Phoenix is viscose, Christian Bale is Loro Piana baby alpaca cashmere. I’m not saying Joachin Phoenix was on the short list to play Patrick Bateman, I’m just saying things because I’m fleshing out my list.

octopi? octopuses?

OLDBOY (2003)

When I found out that the Spielberg/Will Smith non-remake-remake of Oldboy had “died,” I felt like Dorothy when she found out that the wicked witch had “died” when she was squashed under the house. In other words, NOBODY TOUCH OLDBOY, even if you’re not really touching it.

Tess Lynch is a very famous actor in Crest commercials, so she understands the art of making film…arts.