The Very Real Problem with Romantic Comedies

2 years ago

The Very Real Problem with Romantic Comedies

The Romantic Comedy (Or RomCom in “industry” parlance) is a staple of the American movie system. Always reliable for bringing out first dates or seasoned couples, RomComs aren’t summer blockbusters, but they do consistently comfort and nurture our universal need for companionship. But is that a good thing?

It’s well known that romantic comedies aren’t about “Will they or won’t they?” but “How and when.” We know that Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan will get together, the only question is how they will do it in the span of 2 hours while we voyeuristically yearn for that kind of easy, breezy falling in love (the kind that only takes 2 hours). And there are ups and there are downs, but as we fall in love with these quirky and desirable characters, we project and pine away at the prospect that yes, maybe one day I will meet the love of my life by inadvertently spilling orange juice all over her blouse.

Now, I’m probably not the person you’d expect to be writing about the good and bad of romantic comedies. As a 27-year-old single dude, I should be geared far more toward explosive action fests than the notion that maybe, if he stands in the rain long enough, she’ll realize how devoted he really is to her. But, let me tell you a secret. A secret that I believe to be true despite not having any independent verification to back me up: us men are just as pulled and swayed by the thought of a perfect companion as you ladies are.

In fact, without underestimating the pleasure of actual sex, deep down I believe that we are all, men and women, yearning to meet up in clubs and bars and what not simply for the chance to be held and comforted after that sex, and THAT, my friends, is part of why we so desperately want to “hook up” (at least when we’re not running away from something). You will never hear this from a guy, not even in those brief moments after orgasm when we are destined to be completely honest no matter what you ask (that is a lie, by the way). Not because we don’t want to be so vulnerable, but because we ourselves do not even realize the need, and probably never will.

The point I’m trying to make is that romantic comedies are dangerous, insidious even. They set us up for something that does not exist. No, singing “Hey Jude” in a bar with a bunch of strangers and your meet-cute man will NOT equate to a guaranteed happy life together with no disagreements or betrayals, where every slight is repaired with a smirk. But we believe it. We so desperately believe it, because we have loved and lost and want it to be true.

It’s not the fault of these films. They’re feeding a hunger. We want to have love and devotion and, equally, want to be comfortable loving and being devoted to one single person. And that must be an innate need, because when our hearts are broken and damaged, eventually we all venture out again. It’s the lesson we can never fully learn: love hurts. And our society has fed us this notion that if you are not with someone, if you don’t have someone, you are somehow broken. We’ve forgotten how to be alone, and when we watch Harry and Sally on that roof on New Year’s, it is a beautiful and tragic moment, because that knife of aloneness comes to a point inside us, telling us “you are not fulfilled without another.” And maybe that’s true, but I don’t want it forced into me by a piece of popular culture (see: any song that has ever made you cry).

Romantic comedies don’t just delude us into thinking you need a partner to be happy (in fact, our entire culture does a pretty damn good job of making those who are alone feel lonely). The more dangerous delusion is that love could ever be so easy. We are always looking for these intros, these meet-cutes, as if they signify what our life will be. We fall in and out of love with strangers every moment, picturing what might be, how this or that will lead to them falling hopelessly in love with us, while we finally have fulfilled that sickeningly sweet desire to be loved by someone you love completely in return. We are trying to make our lives into movies.

But love isn’t that easy (or if it is, please tell me). A life together, as far as I can understand (and I don’t understand shit), has very little to do with those two hours, or love in general. Love changes directions more often than the wind, and we drive ourselves in those directions with visions of the greener pastures on the other side. A lasting relationship, a happily ever after, is about more than love. It is about continually making the conscious choice not to flee, but to do the opposite, to stay with someone when they are sick and you are sick of them. To do so, in fact, until it becomes an unconscious duty; where you don’t think about why you’ll have to do the dishes that night, but they get done anyway.

I don’t want to sound cynical here. Love is powerful and important and wonderful. I love love, even. And I love romantic comedies. But there is a danger in turning wants into needs, or turning unrelenting effort into some magical “click.” Because no matter how perfect the love, I will still see women passing on the street and wonder what they look like naked, or enjoy the game of wondering if every woman I meet would ever sleep with me (spoiler alert: no). It’s not predatory, just curiosity and ego. But it is a real counterpoint to that meet-cute, because we’re looking for meet-cutes everywhere, and the moment trouble comes with one, we’re looking for another; we’re supposed to have that happy ending we’ve come to expect.

There are hopefully some happily married (or just going steady! No pressure!) readers sighing with a slight grin over my naivete. And I want them there! I want to be proven wrong. And most likely I will someday look back at this and laugh at my younger, foolish self (it happens all the time already). I’m not trying to suggest that such a love isn’t real for some people. But I know it’s not real for everyone, and if I expect it for myself, if I expect some magical solution to all life’s problems wrapped up in one quirky and exciting girl who shows me how to really Be Myself, then I’ll have spent far too much time waiting for life instead of living it. And at that point, why would anyone want to live it with me?