The Year in Review

5 months ago

The Year in Review

2011 MOVIE CHARACTER FANTASY FOOTBALL DRAFT

by Chris & Elizabeth Cantwell

(with Special Guest Judge Brendan Joyce, Fantasy Football Expert)

We’ve watched a lot of movies this year. And as the NFL playoffs approach, what better way to take stock of those films than with a fantasy football matchup? We listed out all the major films to hit U.S. theaters in 2011, then went about a quick draft: two teams made up of the year’s best and most able movie characters, ripped from the screen and placed on the line of scrimmage.

We use a two-person snake draft format—Chris had first draft pick, then Elizabeth had her pick, then Elizabeth again, then Chris, then Chris again, then Elizabeth, and so on. Here are the teams we ended up with:

DENZEL WASHINGTON REDSKINS (Elizabeth’s team)

QB: Luke Hobbs (Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson) from Fast Five

RB: Ethan Hunt (Tom Cruise) from Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol

RB: Ernest Hemingway (Corey Stoll) from Midnight in Paris

RB/WR Flex: Lisbeth Salander (Rooney Mara) from Girl With the Dragon Tattoo

WR: Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner) from Twilight: Breaking Dawn Pt. 1

WR: Will Salas (Justin Timberlake) from In Time

TE: Clyde Tolson (Armie Hammer) from J. Edgar

D/ST: The cast of War Horse

K: Peppy Miller (Berenic Bejo) in The Artist

Bench:

QB – Sherlock Holmes (Robert Downey Jr.) in Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows

RB – The dinosaur that almost kills the other dinosaur in Tree of Life

RB – Blanche (Christina Hendricks) in Drive

WR – Sid (Nick Krause) in The Descendants

WR – Red Skull (Hugo Weaving) in Captain America: The First Avenger

D/ST – The cast of Cowboys & Aliens

Team Coach: Frank Campana (Frank Grillo) from Warrior

ROUGHING THE SPIELBERG (Chris’ team)

QB: Steve Rogers / Captain America (Chris Evans) in Captain America: The First Avenger

RB: The Driver (Ryan Gosling) in Drive

RB: Tommy Conlin (Tom Hardy) in Warrior

RB/WR Flex: Hanna (Saoirse Ronan) in Hanna

WR: Brandon Sullivan (Michael Fassbender) in Shame

WR: Carl Jung (Michael Fassbender) in A Dangerous Method

TE: Voldemort (Ralph Fiennes) in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows: Pt. 2

D/ST: Cast of Coriolanus

K: Sophie (Miranda July) in The Future

Bench:

QB – Matt King (George Clooney) in The Descendants

RB – Miss Piggy (herself) in The Muppets

RB – Caesar (Andy Serkis) in Rise of the Planet of the Apes

WR – Eddie Morra (Bradley Cooper) in Limitless

WR – Sam (Nicholas D’Agosto) in Final Destination 5

D/ST – The cast of Carnage

Team Coach: Billy Beane (Brad Pitt) in Moneyball

Chris’ Analysis and Projections:

I took the Driver as my first round pick because he’s driven, fast, nimble, and will get violent if he needs to. On a big offensive drive, I want my QB handing off to the Driver.

Some may say that Tom Hardy is too big to be a RB, but if there’s no hole in the defensive line, he’s going to punch through it. Plus the character is very successful at running away from his problems in the movie, so he should have some speed on him.

As for my QB, well… Captain America can throw. There’s no disputing that.

And who better to throw to than a couple of Fassbenders, who in their respective roles are very good at—needless to say, obsessed with—hitting a lot of… “endzone targets”?

Voldemort also fills out my receiving line well, because he can Disapparate out of coverage and Apparate inside the Red Zone.

Likewise, I believe Hanna is a sneaky flex play, because she’s fast but also isn’t afraid to go one-on-one.

And who better to have as my defense than the expert military guys from Coriolanus? I’ll take two Ralph Fiennes starters any day of the week.

Lastly, I think that Miranda July’s gangliness is going to serve me well on long FG attempts, and may even lead to some strange offsides kicks that’ll leave me in possession of the ball.

I’ve also got a very solid bench in case of injury or underperformance. Clooney is getting up there, but is still a solid leading man. Piggy and Caesar both have low centers of gravity and can move surprisingly fast. Bradley Cooper is taking that crazy drug that makes him the best at everything, so I foresee moving him up to a starter fairly soon. And as for Sam from Final Destination… he can at least survive 60 minutes of gameplay. There’s a lot of passion in the cast of Carnage and Billy Beane has demonstrated that at least statistically he has what it takes to win games.

Elizabeth’s Analysis and Projections:

I knew immediately that I wanted Luke Hobbs as my QB. Those arms can throw some serious Hail Mary passes, and he has all the qualities you want in a QB: the quick-minded analysis of a federal agent, a self-assured ruthlessness, and a great sense of sportsmanship.

With Hobbs as the center of my team—you might even say “the rock”—my other players can relax and concentrate on the skills that come most naturally to them.

Yes, Ethan Hunt is getting older, but the man can run, and his intensity has only increased over time. Ernest Hemingway is a sportsman to the last, and will hunt down touchdowns like he’s hunting down big game.

Speaking of big game, Jacob Black’s competitive spirit will serve me well, and his shape-shifting abilities will ensure top agility. Also, he’s 7 feet tall, so few defensive players will be able to block his catch. Will Salas will keep an eye on the clock as his drive for revenge fuels his desire to survive all four quarters.

Clyde Tolson is the perfect tight end—physically large enough to block the opposing team, and tall enough and supple enough to receive all sorts of passes, if you know what I mean.

Peppy Miller’s tap-dancing gams are sure to kick us into the playoffs, and the cast of War Horse will use the defensive skills they learned in the WWI trenches to push back against any offense (or at least keep things at a stalemate).

And even if things are looking rough, you can count on Lisbeth Salander’s anger to give the team a second wind. No matter what position you put her at, she’ll hack into the other team’s offense and enjoy every punishing minute.

My bench is nothing to write off, either. Sherlock Holmes can analyze plays like no one else, and the Red Skull is a highly gifted strategist (comfortable wearing a face mask) whose physical body rivals Olympic athletes. That Tree of Life dinosaur may not survive an asteroid, but he sure as shit can run (shoving his opponents out of the way and stepping on their heads if necessary) and Blanche knows how to support an offensive operation, even if she is prone to injury. The loyal Sid will willingly take a hit to the face in order to complete a play, and I’m counting on the cowboy contingent of Cowboys and Aliens, who have a good track record of defending themselves against bigger and stronger opponents.

Finally, Frank Campana’s zen approach to preparing for the sports battle of your life will help all these characters find their individual centers and that necessary inner peace.

Final Spread Projection (judged impartially by Brendan Joyce):

In a matchup that serves as the de facto championship it all boils down to one thing – matchups. For the Spielbergs in this week 14, Captain America will be going up against a Smurfs defense that has absolutely outperformed preseason expectations, likely resulting in a COY for Gargamel in his first season as head coach. Chris would be wise to consider a Matt King start here as the veteran’s late-season experience guarantees a consistent (while likely not overwhelming) statistical performance. For the Denzels, Hemingway should run rampant through the backsliding run D of the penguins from Happy Feet 2, but Clyde Tolson (Armie Hammer) has been a constant disappointment this year, failing to live up to his breakout 2010 campaign. Furthermore, Elizabeth’s lineup gamble of Ethan Hunt is a feast or famine proposition, as he may not even get the start come gameday, taking a back seat to impressive scat back Brandt (Jeremy Renner). When all the power rankings are crunched, and the +3 Denzel Washington Redskins home field advantage is taken into consideration, it will come down to a game of inches … which means the double Fassbenders will carry the day.

Roughing the Spielberg -3.5 (girth) over Denzel Washington Redskins

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Elizabeth and Chris blog here and here, respectively. Expect cryptic clues in the days ahead as to how this projected outcome has affected their marriage in the form of music videos, grainy cell phone pictures, and telling quotes. Brendan Joyce contributes to this blog. He enjoys creating domestic tension and showing off his knowledge of fantasy football lingo.