White Christmas (1954)

5 months ago

White Christmas (1954)

WHITE CHRISTMAS, DECONSTRUCTED

by Elizabeth Cantwell

As most of my friends know, I tend to conceptualize movies in terms of brief, disconnected scenes that for whatever reason stuck in my mind. (So: “The Godfather is the movie where there’s a cat on Brando’s lap, and people are making some kind of red sauce, and Al Pacino is in the rain, and they shoot James Caan at a toll booth.”) My detractors may claim this is unsophisticated, and a generally poor way to analyze a movie. I disagree. Following is my personal summary of the timeless classic White Christmas, with an insightful commentary.

White Christmas: The movie where there’s a big wall, and Rosemary Clooney wants to wash herself in snow, and Bing Crosby makes a good sandwich while Danny Kaye makes fun of Martha Graham, and then there’s some cardboard cutouts of fat farm people and Bing Crosby throws a perfectly good gift into a tree.

Commentary:

… there’s a big wall

Okay, so, to be honest: even though I have seen this movie a lot, I always kind of black out on the war part in the beginning. I mean, I feel like the sky is kind of too dark for me to watch it closely, and men in uniforms always confuse me because I’m waiting for something to come out of their mouths that I don’t understand, like “Formation One, Hut Hut” or “Load that gun!”

Anyway, I know that a wall falls on Bing Crosby (who I know isn’t called Bing Crosby in the movie, but we’re going to ignore that for purposes of this essay) and Danny Kaye saves him and hurts his arm, and this puts everything in motion, as we all know that when someone pulls you out from beneath a falling wall you are contractually obligated to perform large and colorful musical numbers with that person.

… and Rosemary Clooney wants to wash herself in snow

She does. She says so in the song. I remember hearing this as a kid and being sort of creeped out by it. First of all, snow isn’t a very good washing agent. Probably most tap water is better for washing purposes than snow. It’s got all that acid rain in it, and it lies on the ground with the winter bug corpses, and people step on it, and there’s no anti-bacterial content to it whatsoever.

Second of all, when I love things, I’m not usually like “Oh yes, I want to wash myself in that.” Like, I love orange marmalade. But do I want to wash my hands, my face, my hair with orange marmalade? No. Furthermore, do I want to “see a great big man entirely made” of orange marmalade? Fuck no. That would be terrifying. So when Rosemary Clooney wants to wash herself in the snow and then see some huge man made out of it, it just gives me a weird feeling in my spine. But you know, I’m going to give her a pass for this because she is George Clooney’s aunt, and that makes her God’s sister or something.

…and Bing Crosby makes a good sandwich

What bothers me about the scene where Rosemary gets all flirty with Bing over a midnight snack is that they don’t actually eat it. I think the Spirit of Christmas demands that you eat all the food people make for you, especially if they made it specifically for you because you were up traipsing about in your robe and claiming you couldn’t sleep. Bing goes to all that trouble, and sings for what seems like a lot of choruses about counting your blessings instead of sheep, and then she just leaves the sandwiches by the fire. I don’t care if he did beat his children; that is no way to treat a Christmas Sandwich.

…while Danny Kaye makes fun of Martha Graham

“Chicks / who did kicks / Aren’t kicking anymore / They’re doing choreography.”

I think this part sticks with me for personally sentimental reasons, because my mom’s a modern dancer (and she LOVES this scene). I remember watching her laughing as the dancers contorted themselves around the stage in these gray stretchy costumes and wondering whether this was the sort of thing I’d find funny when I was a Grown-Up. And then when I actually knew who Martha Graham and Merce Cunningham I laughed too. Plus, Danny Kaye looks ridiculous, and I love him for that. Maybe the best part is that it was back in those magical times where people could REALLY dance, not High-School-Musical dance, but I’ve-Got-A-Killer-Pink-Dress-On-and-I-Can-Work-It-Like-No-One-Else-While-Maintaining-A-Classic-Elegance dance.

…and then there’s some cardboard cutouts of fat farm people

JESUS CHRIST. Can anyone explain to me who thought that part of the movie was a good idea? I get it, it’s supposed to be a joke. Like, “Hey, we’re not in the army anymore, so we’re getting lazy and fat!” But it’s not really funny to make fun of people based on weight, and I don’t see why it’s funny to make fun of farmers, and whether or not it’s funny those cutouts are TERRIFYING. I know the shot only lasts about 20 seconds. But it is NOT Christmas-y. Plus, none of the actors look very enthused about them, even Danny Kaye, who is also known as The Man Who Looks Very Enthused About Everything, Even Cereal.

How do I know this? Because sometimes when I’m eating cereal I imagine what Danny Kaye would look like eating cereal right across from me. And his expression is always Very Enthused.

…and Bing Crosby throws a perfectly good gift into a tree.

This part of my summary of White Christmas got added on just this year, while watching the movie for the millionth time with Chris. At the very end, as the big show for the General is coming to a close, and it’s started to snow, and everything is wrapping up in that lovely, warm, musical fashion, Rosemary gives Bing a statue of a knight on a white horse as a present. See, there’s a running thing in the movie where Rosemary talks about Bing being her White Knight, and then when she gets all bitchy and Assumes things, therefore making an Ass out of U and Me, she tells him he’s fallen off the horse. Which is pretty mean, when you think about it.

So when she gives him the statue, it’s a thoughtful, symbolic way to apologize without having to actually say “I’m sorry” and to confirm that they will be having hot Christmas sex later in their red velvet costumes. And Bing is so happy that what does he do? He sweeps Rosemary up in his arms for a movie-ending kiss and THROWS THE STATUE INTO THE TREE.

Just throws it. Tosses it like a balled-up kleenex, or a used piece of floss. It looked pretty substantial, too, so I have the feeling that he may have BROKEN it. And I don’t know about you, but if I gave someone that I cared about a meaningful gift, and they proceeded to throw it on the floor, I’d be pretty ticked. But then again, it’s not the material gifts that matter. It’s the love, and the smooth baritones, and the loyalty and brotherhood in the face of hard times, and the stream-of-consciousness memories of experiences that have brought you joy, one way or another.