A Christmas Story (1983)

2 months ago

AMAZON REVIEWS AS WRITTEN BY THE CHARACTERS OF A CHRISTMAS STORY

by Michelle Said

Red Ryder Carbine-Action 200-Shot Range Model Air Rifle (Compass in the Stock)

The best present of all time!!!!!

by Ralphie (Hammond, Indiana)

This is my dream gun! I have wanted this BB gun for so long! It’s basically perfect in every way imaginable! Not only is it ideal for playing cowboys and indians but it’s also great for warding away intruders! Plus, there’s the danger factor. My mom keeps saying, “You’ll shoot your eye out!” and, I mean, maybe that’s true, but I kind of like that! It keeps it exciting! I need this gun! Please, Santa. Please let me get this gun. I promise I’ll be careful!

YOU’LL SHOOT YOUR EYE OUT.

by Mrs. Parker (Hammond, Indiana)

A dangerous, ludicrous piece of equipment. Only a crazy person (or my husband) would buy this for a child. Honestly. What is the world coming to? Violence everywhere! I can’t even imagine a scenario where this would be a good gift for a little boy. Or an adult, even! What sort of message are we sending to our kids if this is the gift we’d give them? I mean, honestly!

Good gun.

by The Old Man (Hammond, Indiana)

Got this for my son. Good, solid piece of equipment. Had one when I was a kid. You should have seen the look on his face. That alone was worth five stars.

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Lady Luck Leg Lamp (With High Heel and Stocking)

A real winner! A great trophy! One of a kind!

by The Old Man (Hammond, Indiana)

Now, I never considered myself the kind of man who would buy a leg lamp. But, that’s the thing. When you win a leg lamp, the whole world is your oyster. What I really love about this is that when I put it right in the front window of our home, everybody can see my prize and know that I’ve won a major award. Yup, the Old Man is coming up in this world! I am only taking away one star because the missus can’t stand it, so I suppose it may not be for everyone. But, heck! I think it’s just the best! I would probably buy it even if I hadn’t won it. It’s a thing of beauty. I could see this lamp in every living room across America. Yes, sir!

Oops.

by Mrs. Parker (Hammond, Indiana)

Eyesore. Awful. Easily breakable.

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Little Orphan Annie Radio Show Secret Society Decoder Pin

Rip-off!!!! DO NOT BUY!!!!!

by Ralphie (Hammond, Indiana)

I was so excited to get my secret society decoder pin after hearing about it on the Little Orphan Annie radio show. I really couldn’t wait. They kept featuring these daily secret messages on the program, which I make a point of to never, ever miss. So I wrote in to get myself a copy of the ring. I was so excited to open it up!!! I had been feeling like a real chump because I couldn’t decode the message!!! Well, that turned around as soon as I got it. I rushed home, opened the package, decoded the secret message and realized it was just a stupid commercial for Ovaltine. What a rip-off!!!!!!!!!!! Not worth your time. Unless you’re a big fan of Ovaltine. Then I guess it’s okay.

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Children’s Bunny Costume, Ages 7-10 (Pink)

A wonderful gift.

by Mrs. Parker (Hammond, Indiana)

One word: Adorable. My sister Clara got it for my son Ralphie this Christmas and he looks like just about the most precious thing you’ve ever seen in your whole life when he wears it. I am deducting a point because Ralphie absolutely loathes it and refuses to wear it so we will only be showcasing it when my sister is in town. But other than that, it’s absolutely darling. I loved it so much I sent a picture to the company to show them and they actually put it on this website! I’m so glad I can look at my sweet little Ralphie in this tremendous present all year round. I especially love how his slippers are bunnies too. Three bunnies for the price of one! Just darling.

For girls only, please!!!!!

by Ralphie (Hammond, Indiana)

If I could, I’d give this stupid costume negative three stars!!! Aunt Clara thinks I’m a four-year-old girl, so no shocker she’d give me this thing. It’s embarrassing and ugly, not to mention made for girls. Did I mention it’s for little girls?!?! If I were actually a four year-old girl, I would probably would give it five stars or whatever. Who knows what girls do. Only girls, I guess. Which I’m not. Aunt Clara, I’m looking in your direction. Except now they put it on the website, which is pretty much my worst nightmare for life. I wonder if the company is going to pay for my therapy bills in the future. Yeesh.

Michelle Said rates this article as She tumbls here.